Before you read, I should tell you that this is solely meant for entertainment. Don't read into it too much. I was pretty drunk when I wrote them, but the only editing I made was for legibility. Enjoy if you can.
Avatar + Apology
Alright. Seems how this was the first request I had for a review and I'm bored out of my mind, I have thrown together a totally unhealthy review of Avatar. No, not the kid's show. I love that show too much to review it. There's gonna be a little change of pace this time around, as I'm fresh out of alcohol. Seems I'm going to have to stick to ideas that make sense and less Jurassic Park.
No matter what you take away from this film, it had better be that the military is bad! Nah, -blam!- that noise. This movie is about scale. Sure the characters could have been done better, but the fancy scenery is a lot more important than a postcard wet dream. Seriously, this is the sort of movie that demonstrates the essence of hard science fiction to the greatest advantages that a movie can offer: visuals.
This hard scifi happens to get ruined by a character induced story a la fantasy rather than the genre's more tried method of exploration and extrapolation via catastrophe and natural events. Remember, in science fiction, the environment is the most important character. This movie did that well in the beginning.
The first hour of this film was pure scifi heaven. Sully is fully immersed into this alien scape. This is where scale is important. This film has everything from a fully realized ecosystem to a religion of a people that is not only feasible, but vastly superior to those of Earth on a functional level.
The avatar bodies the scientists use are not new to the genre, but the presentation is. The cripple wiggling his toes, running, it's all part of the effect. I got misty eyed at that scene for my own reasons, but on a fiction level it has so many implications ranging from social to research.
But... There's a story. A story in a scifi film is a funny thing. One of my favorite pieces in the genre is Ringworld. Ringworld is a Novel which has no antagonist, but rather an environment. The entire point of the novel was to scare your sense of constant with sizes too large to comprehend, dangers too horrific for any B movie blood bath, and weather only a physicist could dream up. Avatar went with the other school of thought where the story needs a moral and where character development means an already strong character becomes a strong character to save the day. Uhg.
The religion is very neat and pretty well implemented for a scifi. Most in the genre try to give some view of the ethics of the religion itself, but Avatar manages to integrate it into the scenery, and I don't just mean communicating trees. It went for a middle ground of ideals where they took a physically agreeable idea and dressed it in strange formality and chants. That's not to say the trees aren't neat. Hell, in this entire flick the trees are probably the most interesting character introduced. Unfortunately for scifi fans, nobody wants to see a movie about trees.
The military in this movie is just bad. I don't even mean that they are bad guys. They're just boring. Perfect for a movie. Uhg. I can get over it. The entire struggle is pretty dumb at the end. Well, it seemed that way because the main character, the trees remember, have been so overlooked. The movie does such a bad job making you care because they make the damn thing look like a token rather than a character of depth.
So, aside from the last act, Avatar is a superb film in my opinion.
Also, before I let you to just ignore my review as is custom, I would like to offer an apology for my last drunk review. I did a bad thing in that there wasn't anything that I just blindly made up on a whim of self gratified creativity, so to make up for it, I will write a new intro.
A Bug's Life is a movie about surviving the nuclear apocalypse. I gotta hand it to the creators, as they are very blunt and spare no emotional confrontation on the matter. Humanity is gone. They do no exist and what little remains is only for the audience to recognize. The only survivors are the meek to inherit the Earth. As the radiation begins to affect the insects left to tend this broken existence, strange occurrences begin such as invention and economy. This film is about how existing in a world wrought with a war gone silent can become inspiring to all ages.
A Bug's Life
I had quite a few carbs and a few beers and now I'm feeling right for some cinematic nostalgia. Not only that, but some crazy deja vu. So lets unwind from a day of hard work with a subtle family film, shall we?
A Bug's Life is a pretty neat film when you get right down to it. The progression from scene to scene is complicated. The way these little critters are personified is absolutely inspiring. I mean, it's what I love in my fiction. I love seeing how things work and this movie does this better than most. The social commentary of the assorted bugs is interesting. The characters are each in their own corner and seldom venture from it, but there are so many that it hardly matters. On top of all this praise I offer, I'm going to fucking hate this movie for one particular purpose. It is a purpose so important, I'm making another paragraph.
This is goddamn Jurassic Park all over again. Remember the scene where the T-rex escapes his cage and makes a mess of all the cars and injures Jeff Goldblum as he tries to distract it so that the kids don't get eaten (long sentence is loooong)? They have that scene in A Bug's Life. It was the most memorable scene from Jurassic Park and Disney copied it with birds and bugs. "But Jurassic Park had velociraptors. What in A Bug's Life equate to those?" The grasshoppers. They are the bad guys of this film. And as if that wasn't damning enough, the ending is practically the same! The bird/T-rex kills the grasshopper/velociraptor. The only differences are that the velociraptors talk and have personalities suitable for a family film.
I hate this movie.
Honestly, as bad as I may make this movie out to be, I would hope that you have seen it as well as the series (Firefly). It's only a single season, hardly a commitment.
Shut up, anti-piracy! Sheesh, for a show where pirates are the good guys, I'd expect the FBI to be far, far away. Well, here I sit, armed for another movie review. In the past I picked movies that were easy to poke fun at. This time I will review one of my personal favorites, Serenity. So, get prepared for this drink-a-long 'cause I don't even remember most of the words!
Here we are in the future just after the invention of the super fast pregnancy device that only takes four hours to go from conception to birth. Though it may seem genius to get back in the saddle faster, this diabolical device has caused severe overpopulation. Thank God we've got spaceships that don't make any sense to save our asses. I may have made some of that up.
They start the movie out with this little tidbit that wasn't really discussed in the series either because it was canceled early, or no one gave a shit about the history of the already over war. Who knows?
I know, but all I'm gonna tell you is that the big bad gub'ment wanted to be civilized and do away with the barbaric browncoats. What's a browncoat? It's someone who doesn't like the gub'ment. What's a gub'ment? Someone who doesn't like browncoats. Welcome to fucking Tom & Jerry in Space!
The movie starts. Hey, I know this character! It's River's brother, but he's all confident and using fancy technology that was very uncommon in the series. He rescues little sis... somehow. Doesn't really make sense. I mean, she's got to cling to the ceiling to be undetected, but where the fuck did Simon go? Anyway...
There's a black guy. What is this, Empire Strikes Back? He is the most logical character, though he is quite sadistic. I suppose he is supposed to be Mal's complementary character. Oh, I get it. He's the antagonist. Now that I'm feeling accomplished in my ability to figure out what the fuck is happening, it's time to introduce the gorram characters I know and love from the series! Surely this will put me at ease.
Everybody is doing what they do best. Wash is doing his best to crash as slowly as possible. Mal is fucking confused and panicked, but still knows what to do. Jayne grabs Vera and starts complaining. For those not in the know, Vera is the name of Jayne's favorite gun. Zoe is walking around checking in with people. Kaylee is trying to fix the engine by jiggling the cables. Simon is whining about his sister. Mal continues to panic. River is sleeping in the middle of the floor. The gang's all he... Where's Inara?! Oh yah, she left late in the series.
Now we're off to rob a tiny settlement. Somehow Kaylee and Simon, who always made up the shexual tension on the crew don't seem to ever consider the idea of knocking boots. It's like our good doctor just hasn't gotten to the chapter on female anatomy. Seriously, Kaylee got her job on the ship immediately after banging the guy she ends up replacing. She's a party animal who complains that no one is ever "twixt [ her ] nethers won't run on batteries," and these two still haven't hooked up. Something is wrong here.
The tiny settlement... It's OK to rob 'em cause they're too proud to report it to the gub'ment. River is a fucking psychic now. She used to be just weird. Then, suddenly, reavers. They're supposed to be crazies that are like a mix between pirates and zombies. A chase ensues. The pilot does a Crazy Ivan, which is fancy talk for turning around. Wait, no they call it something different this time... River swallows a bug and everybody gets angry.
Next is the bar scene. This is probably the greatest part of the movie. Seriously. River beats up everybody. The actress was actually a prima ballerina, so she kicks everyone's ass in a way that intrigues me to a point where I get uncomfortable watching with others. My favorite is when she gut-kicks a lady from the top of some stairs. Oh yah, the reason seems to be some retarded commercial she sees on the TV. Later they discover what happened with the enhancing methods from CSI. Apparently there's also a safety word to keep River from doing this sort of aAaAwesome stuff. This little bar fight is also what leads the Lando Calrissian to them.
Everybody gets angry again. Oh hey, look a new character that everyone knows and is good buddies with, Mr. Universe. He's the future version of an internet genius. He's the sort that would tell your grandma that Firefox is way better than IE for checking e-mail leaving you to explain what an e-mail is and why kids these days use such witchcraft. Seriously, how the gorram did the camera hear her whisper Miranda but the camera didn't hear everything else in the bar? It must be Mr. Universe's superior hacking skills. I don't even know why the director saw it fit for the characters to get the info there, as River straight up tells Simon when she wakes up. Then again, without Mr. Universe and his magic ham radio set, the ending to this movie would be more tragic than it already is.
Holy shit, it's Book! I forgot all about this guy. He was the religious dude on the ship during the series. He loves to shoot people in the kneecaps. Anyway, they go visit him where ever they dropped him off at. Mal seeks guidance, but pretends not to. Book always seems to know things that a preacher shouldn't know.It's sort of his way of saying he's religious and interesting at the same time. Too bad he gets killed before we can ever find out what his past is.
The assassin gets to Inara. Shortly after, Mal gets a message from her. It's an invitation/job. Obvious trap is obvious. They know it. They decide to trip it and see what happens. Brilliant! They know a horrible assassin representing the gub'ment is after them, an assassin that commands a fleet. He's like a black Hitler. Way worse than Lando. The logical choice is to provoke him, right?
This is where I need to get a job. It's a training house for female companions. It seems the uniform is just a towel. Anyway, trap is sprung Lando does manage to beat up everybody before the tactical flash bomb strategically hidden in the incense. They get away. Phew! God, that dialog was embarrassing.
Hooray, Inara's back and everybody is angry again! Here I am, an hour into this movie, and I feel like the director is just trying to convince me that I'm watching a go-nowhere TV episode. But, that's what the movie wants you to think! Shit gets real. Black Genghis Van Hitler kills all of the people Mal ever dealt with. Book is among them, and there is a nice cry as Mal hold him in his arms. Mal tells everybody to stop being whiny jerks all the time and paints the ship red so that the pirate zombies wont suspect them. Listen, I'm not going to summarize the movie for you. The next thirty minutes is a slow, non-character oriented hate speech about the gub'ment. Turns out the browncoats were right all along, hooray! You mean the good guys are good? That's a relief. The Gub'ment made the reavers because they thought poison would calm everybody down. Mal gets on his high horse and gets the video evidence of it all to Mr. Universe who gets killed first by Adolf McSmallpox. Then there's the big fancy fight sequence between the assassin and Mal. Mal has a few quips, fanboys giggle, and river beats up all the pursuing reavers under a strobe light. In the end, wash gets killed off, too. It didn't make any sense, either. It did make for one of my most favorite last words ever, "I'm a leaf on the wind. Watch how HUURK!" I laugh every time. Then, it seems, Simon and Kaylee read my review somehow and get busy after Mal saves the day and convinces Tyrone Tarkin that the gub'ment isn't all that great.
This movie could have worked if there were more dinosaurs. Even just the little bitty ones that hunt in pack. Or at the very least a Mexican. Hell, everybody in the show already knows Chinese, so where are the Asians?
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
This movie. Before I begin, this has nothing to do with any novels, ever.
Steve awoke from a night of binge drinking to the sight of daylight pouring through his window. With a sobering intensity, he sought his alarm clock. Nine thirty, it read. Cursing, Steve dressed himself and ran out the door forgetting to brush his teeth among other hygienic activities. You see, Steve has a very important job in Middleearth. He is the career placement councilor.
On most days he was quite content to advise many short folk to quiet lives in hollow hills, and tall pointy eared folk to being pretentious jerks because the economy is looking up. That was then. The economy has since gone to shit, so the time of the elves is over, dammit.
After a headache produced by his superior, Steve sat at his desk regretting not eating any breakfast. He checked to see who was on the schedule with a "fuck all" attitude. First on the list was Sauron, a boy scout who got a patch for jewelry fabrication. Steve called him in.
As soon as Sauron closed the door behind him, steve started shouting. His rant covered topics from cheating women to roadkill, and it reduced poor sauron to tears. With disgust, Steve told Sauron to, "Do something about it!"
Then Sauron took metallurgy 101. Lots of people died and this movie started. So far, I can only feel sadness for our young protagonist, Sauron.
Izsealdoor or whatever ruins everything, right. So much for that upstart, Sauron... The ring that Sauron made, though seems to have a mind of its own for some reason, so not all is lost.
Hold on. Let me just say this: In a world where a wizard need only wink to cause all manner of mayhem, such struggles as war seem trivial.
I like this Bilbo person. His house reminds me of my apartment. It's like having an over-the-top themed restaurant in a tiny place. Despite how much I like Bilbo, I'm glad he's leaving the movie. Fuck him. He only tries to hold the protagonist, the ring, back. I mean, the film is deliberately trying to bias the audience to like these drunk midgets, while the ring simply wants to be a real boy, or something equally silly. God, don't watch this movie while intoxicated.
Where was I? Oh yah, this old guy. Wait no, why the hell is the cake at Bilbo's birthday party still intact? That mother fucker is huge and none of these drunk jerks have even stuck a finger in it. I don't buy it. I can't get immersed in a film like this!
The old guy. I'm pretty sure he gets hot at the idea that he's taller than everyone in this town. He says he isn't a conjurer of cheap tricks. Now, this either means he actually knows how to do more than set fireworks off by clicking his heels together, or he has earned a quite a reputation as a gigolo. Given how much these little people like him, I'm going with the ladder.
Jeez, I haven't even gotten to Goldilocks. Legolas is by far the worst thing about these movies. He single handedly ruins every surprise and every unknown by being a know-it-all jerk. His time to shine as the magic knowledge machine are yet to come. Until the other film reviews, maybe.
Gimli. Best character in the movie. He drinks beer and doesn't ruin anything. He's just a short guy tagging along tired of his cousin always telling him how great his halls are. Too soon?
Merry and Pip are alright. They're the sort of adventures I like in my stories. They've got no real direction, but a goal. Also, thats for the sequels, so next time. Next time if I even bother to finish this dumb movie.
Aragorn is supposed to be an outcast. I get it. He certainly seems like the heartiest among the characters aside from Gimli.
Frodo is a sick fuck that would like nothing more than to stick his finger in the protagonist. Then again, with the way the ring presents itself you might think it was asking for it.
Sam is like a puppy. That is all.
This movie pits these and other crazy characters together somehow without going for a comedy. That much is impressive. Aside from that, it simply tries to add weight to a trivial cause by making it seem daunting.
How the goddamn did Legolas know the old white hair was trying to bring down the mountain? Is he clairvoyant, or can everyone hear his voice and he's playing the role of Cpt. Obvious?
I cried when Gimli found out about the goblins. Seriously, I had to pause the movie. Where the fuck were the goblins hiding while these jerks were wandering around inside? They just appear after hearing a noise? Bullshit! While the characters are having an "oh no, we're in trivial danger again..." moment, I was trying to figure out where this army was hiding at.
Christ, Gandalf talks a lot. I'm starting to think that a wizard is just a book smart person.
What sort of dwarf city is that? It's just a copy/pasted pillar for as far as the eye can see. This is a very important part of the series, as it give Gimli a purpose for recklessness. It seems his ties to the living are severed all but this not so motley crew of predictable characters. Now Gimli can be a badass without restraint.
Ok , I get the giant flame demon. Some fable of digging too deep in the earth. Some things I have to accept as collateral damage of fantasy. I sure hope Gandalf isn't too cheap a conjurer of tricks to have forgotten his climbing spell. Oh... He fell? I didn't cry as much as the Gimli part. I didn't cry at all. I practically stood up and shouted, "In your face!"
It is likely that I will not remember writing this later. The movie has pretty much stopped making sense at this point. Everything that happens from here on out is simply to produce action rather than plot. I mean sure, some ginger gets molly whopped, but who the fuck cares. The party splits up. Sam acts like a puppy. That's it. Roll credits.